Willage People

There are a number of blogs I subscribe to right now. Many of whom mirror the lives of us who are living in the aftermath of the Christmas Season. Maybe it was all the Chinese cake and cookies that made me sluggish, but I think I'll forego the commonalities of a Christmas post with descriptions of what we ate, the standard tree photo, and the tacky sweaters everyone wore.

-Here's the gist of it: we had Christmas dinner and it tasted good. Then we opened presents and they were nice.

Then we had a week where none of our students called us back because

they are in "2012 Mode." In this instance, I mean exams are approaching, but it can refer to just a panic mode since every student I've talked to thinks the world is ending in 2012 thanks to the movie that just came out a year or two ago. Rational students who can't accept that God could exist believe in this superstition. Even many Christians think that we'll go down in a blaze of prophetic world catastrophes next year...because the Mayans said so...

-Last week, we had a class with a traveling professor from the States. Most of what we talked about was Philosophy. It was great, but it made me want to watch The Matrix more than

anything. I'm more and more convinced that lots of media and popular culture we as Christians grasp onto as Biblical analogy is not really that at all. The Matrix is so Platonic its crazy. And also very Gnostic with a little bit of whatever the Wachowski brothers ascribe to. But still a great movie and I want another opportunity soon to count how many times I think Keanu is thinking about String Theory while delivering his lines.

Right after this exhausting class in which my brain fried the first day, I rode my moped an hour back to the Gong, then got up the next morning to go to the village. "Village" is a common term used here. It can be a place where farming is done without 1st world ammenities. It can be used as an adjective, as in "that guy who just hocked a loogey on the street is so village" to mean someone not accustomed to civilized society. Additionally, normally when spoken in English by Chinese people, it comes out as "willage" which always elicits a chuckle from us still. As do when they talk about cooking "wegetables," "D-Wee-D's," and "Wee-C-D's." Real mature, I know.

Our helper invited us out about every week so we decided to go there. Our van broke down on the way (pretty standard) on the 4 hour trek there. The "roads" were nothing more than dirt mostly and roads that looked like they had survived a nuclear holocaust. It was a like scene from The Book of Eli except that the surrounding mountains were lush with vegetation still.

So upon arrival, we were surprisingly ignored. It was a mostly Cool village so I think they had either seen white people before or had been heavily coached (...threatened) not to smother us laowai by our helper. We looked around at the farm animals everywhere and the vast vineyards and gardens. We saw our helpers parents house which had just been furnished with som

e new furniture just for us. It was...colorful...

Then we jumped all over the chance to help with dinner. When asked to help kill the chickens we went to the back of the village to prepare "The Kill Room." Much different than Dexter Morgan, though we did use a cleaver (as seen). Josh and I were the only ones willing (or twisted enough) to confront our Dark Passenger and test our fortitude.

The trick was to first pin back the wings and pluck the neck feathers out pull the neck skin tight and... well I'll spare the rest of the details. All I know that it was simultaneously terrifying, exhilarating, and a little embarrassing since one of the chickens Josh and I "killed" started flopping around in the de-feathering pot after the initial shock wore off. I think this is the first thing I have killed other than bugs and having to hold it over the lake while its life left it was strange. I kept whispering to myself "circle of life, circle of life, circle of life" and remembering other lessons from The Lion King while I did it. It helped remembering this was the village where they laugh at you for not knowing how to gut animals.

Overall the people there were very nice. Many of the men were skeptical

of us and didn't show a lot of smiles, but they were glad we came I think. They treated us to the best parts of the pig that had been slaughtered earlier and described every dish to us even though we eat many of them every day here.

I've left out a lot of details that made it a hard day in an attempt to remember the village fondly. And also so I don't village up a lot of the rest of my time in China until I leave for Thailand soon.

(photos courtesy of Harrison)

Cake and Carols

December around here is known as Christmas Party Season. It sounds fun and mostly really is, but one of the downsides of having lots of students and teachers over to our apartments/meeting them on campus is that you get inundated with certain things.

Two of these things are Cake and Carols. Two things that God created for good that often are result of the fall here in China. When you think of "cake" you think of birthdays, weddings, retirement parties where everyone is happy that at least they get a piece of that chocolate, yellow, or coconut goodness. Everyone waits patiently for theirs, excitedly scarfing it down upon arrival. Well, except for Milton.

However, over here, you pretty much always have a cake gifted to you that is quite different. The type of cake you end up trying to avoid eating, pushing it back and for the plate like a toddler avoiding eating peas, trying to be sneaky by confusing motion for eating. Many times there is fruit on top. Mangos, oranges, bananas, kiwis, etc. Not only that, sometimes pinto beans and others. Sometimes melon. Often times there is cream in the middle that can make even the strongest of stomachs gag. The icing is normally bland because Chinese dont really like sweets as much as us.

Many of these things are good, but mixed together they get old fast. You try to separate the fruit from the cake, but that's futile too. And you have to eat SOME of it since normally its a student/teacher being polite and spending their own money to add to the party.

The other thing is carols. They are great, but after the 27th singing of Silent Night, you begin to just yearn for silence and can forget about that Silent Night the Savior was born. Many of these carols help us get in the Christmas spirit, making us thankful and humble. It does that, through the lyrics, yes, but also from trying to sing fast lyrics in Mandarin.

I may sound like a Scrooge or a Grinch, but I don't think I have the capacity to sing the same songs several times a week, no matter how good or catchy it is. Thankfully there are different seasons and different ways to worship Jesus, not all of which include Away in a Manger or Red Bean and Apple Cream Cake.

I'll have to start looking for some John Piper-approved, Christ-glorifying, Man-satisfying Festivus songs and some less confused cake types around here.

All I want for Christmas and other strange things here.

Here it is Mom and Dad, the only thing I want for Christmas. With all the hassle of shipping (not to mention the unreliability of postal workers in China who have been known to lose packages and remove what are deemed to be "dangerous" things from them...) I've found the thing that you can get me this year. No, your eyes do not deceive you. This is right up there with GOB Bluth's "The Sword of Destiny" bought from Ancient Chinese Secret as themost ancient and powerful of Chinese relics.

It may appear to be a cabbage plant made of jade. And yes, technically that's what it is, but I am convinced that it is so much more. Maybe it was owned by a Qin dynasty emporer. Maybe having it in your house releases the power to grow other cabbages rapidly within a small radius. Or maybe it's like the Chinese equivalent of the seeing stones in Lord of the Rings that Sauroman uses to see into the future.

Whatever it is, it's reasonably priced for a limited time only at 30,000 RMB or US $4500. So I know its got a genie in it or something like that. I haven't bought it just yet, but every time I pass it in the store above the KFC in the mall nearby, it calls to me. It yearns to find its master (me). I'm thinking I'll put it in our living room next to our shoe cabinet.

In other news, I found this out a while ago, but forgot to post it. Here is proof that Chinese

cafeterias, in addition to noodles, fried rice and Kung Pao Chicken, also sell beer in large quantities. Here is the proof. I haven't seen anyone drinking it there in the cafeteria yet, or really buying it, but it's there, just waiting for the first bold student to buy one. Maybe

everyone else is just waiting so they won't stick out. As the old Chinese proverb goes, "the stalk that sticks out, must be cut off."

In more other news, we have a Christmas party tonight. I'm wearing a nice shirt so that I can get a really moving picture of me and a bunch of Chinese students wearing Santa hats. It's long been my dream to have a magnet that I distribute to friends and family with my face on it and I think the time is now. My brother, Matt already has one and beat me to the punch. It looks like he only has one arm though due to the way he's posed, leaning up against the Old Well on campus. I'm gonna try my best not to make that same mistake. So pray for my beard to not look weird or for me to have something in my teeth.

Start of the holiday season

Here's another smattering of happenings recently that I can remember now. It's now December, typically the most difficult time to be here in China, apart from family and friends during the holiday season. I miss everyone reading this (except for you, US Army private who keeps leaking cables on Wiki sites...I could do without you.) and hope that you are enjoying the sights and sounds of Christmas, even the things like the traffic, the mall smell, the clamor of Black Friday and Cyber Monday, the Salvation Army bell ringers, the santa hats and the excessive quoting of "Elf." Think of me when you experience these things.

-Class has been interesting. During our conversation portion today we had a discussion about FaZhan ShouZu (Arrested Development) which I never thought would happen in another language. As this is my favorite TV show of all time I thoroughly enjoyed talking about this in Chinese, though trying to describe who Carl Weathers is was more difficult than I anticipated. However, she had no trouble understanding how a family who's father became rich by using his construction company's corporate account as a personal piggy bank. Probably because this happens all the time here with sketchy business practices.

-The cat that Harrison had rescued and had been living with us passed away recently. She just stopped eating for about 4 days and I'll spare you the rest of the details, but it was her time to go I guess. I wish I could tell you that it was without suffering and that it got a proper burial but I'd be lying since both of those things are hard to find in China for animals. Personally I will miss the times when it would get too close to our space heater and jump back, burned by it's own curiosity. I will also miss the certainty of knowing there won't be any rats around our place. Sure, there were about 100 things I hated about that cat, but those two things I will remember with fondness.

-We (the ACC guys here in China) won the Turkey Bowl! It was nice to get revenge from the last time we played when we got blown out and I dropped two interceptions. Mainly I was channeling all my energy with the memory of the SEC team running up the score by throw Tim Tebow jump-passes with less than a minute to go. So this year we won it in style 40-6. The victory stands for now, though I'm worried that Harrison has been hanging around a lot of runners for agents. Recently he posted on Twitter a 200RMB receipt for PF Changs and Justin and Zach I'm pretty sure have been receiving extra help on papers in Chinese class. So we'll see if we'll be able to weather the storm. Either way, the NCAA wont be able to take away the memory of the most fantastic, bizarre, and sublime facial hair I have ever seen. It was a banner year in this department.

-Thanksgiving. We celebrated with Turkey and other dishes that ultimately became so crammed on our plates that it seemed to just become one food item. Delicious. Also, my team made me wear nice clothes during lunch. I hope they're thankful for that. We also tried to watch an old Thanksgiving Day NFL game (mainly failed though) with the likes of Emmitt Smith, Michael Irvin, et al. For Max, the Jungs' dog who has bitten me twice now, we let him run in the park near by and let him wallow in the mud while we threw the football around. For the girls, we watched Elf for what I'm sure was the 1st of 13 times before Christmas Day. If I've learned one thing, its that December is just as much Elf Season as it is Christmas Season. I personally celebrate by telling someone that "you're so pretty, you should be on a Christmas card" once a day. I think Josh thinks it's weird and it makes him uncomfortable.

-Work is going really well too. Can't share many details here, but I have lots of friends here who like asking me about important things.

-The Jungs are hooked on The Wire now! Jarred bought a Glock and a doo-rag while Shelley's language has gotten noticeably coarser and talks constantly about how weak "the product" is lately. Expect more posts about this as promised in the "about me" sidebar.

What's been going down lately

Brief (maybe...) update with a few snapshots (figurative, not literal...sorry) of the past few weeks.

-We lost power for 2 days. This means candles, flashlights, and cell phone backlights lit our way throughout our apartment. It also meant no hot water (ie starting a new, no showering streak), no laundry, no heaters, and most importantly no internet. That's right. For 2 whole arduous days I went without Skype, fantasy football and Words With Friends. Nothing ground breaking really except that I was getting precariously low on clean clothes and may have scared away some people with an unkept appearance.

-The Turkey Bowl beard is in full growth mode. Over a month now and no blade has touched my face. Or neck. Or head. I look a little like Joakin Phoenix during his crazy spell where he tried to convince everyone he didn't care about anything and never wanted to act again. The mullet is also getting annoying and everytime I take the 3 mile ride to class I end up with a windblown, Jared Allen/Patrick Swayze (RIP) level mullet. But anything for the tradition of the Turkey Bowl, where the men of the ACC here in China will look to cold-cock the entitled SEC jabronis on the gridiron every Thanksgiving.

-One of my teachers recently tried to convince me that Mao is the best leader China has ever had and that the Cultural Revolution did more good than harm. You know, since killing millions of people is surely better than some things. A thing??? It got to be a pointless argument and I just ended up letting her feel like she had convinced me. Maybe she is the granddaughter of the late (and terribly preserved...) Chairman. Or maybe her father got some backdoor contracts from his people or something.

-My other teacher is more fun and less political, but she talks a lot about how handsome waiguoren are. I know Chinese people are generally not very direct, but I'm really really hoping this is not as close as they get and its just a coincidence that she always brings this up. I have 10 hours of class per week, one on one with both of these teachers and it's definitely been the hardest part of the year so far. My language hasn't progressed as much as I'd hoped yet since the rust is very slowly wearing off and neither of these teachers have any prior experience.

-We had some friends from America come visit last week who brought us (mainly me due to my connections to some friends in Durham) some awesome gifts. I also found out my brother gets to come visit this summer while he studies for 5 weeks here. He tried to play it all cool like he didn't want to come that badly, but I know Matty and I know that if there's one thing he can't say no to, its living in the sticks, using squatty potties, letting me order dishes which he has no idea what is in them.

-I got in a moped accident. Really it wasnt an accident, more of crappy tires and slick pavement ending in my skidding off. Don't worry, I'm fine, and it even prompted me to buy a helmet. Though I'm not sure I would've gotten one if it was the standard "Boba Fett" masks and not the Speed Racer one I ended up getting for 50RMB (8 US dollars) on the side of the road. Safety first, ya know?

-I've watched a few football games, including last weeks Florida State/UNC game. I woke up at 3:30am and watched the whole thing, which I think may have ended in me waking up Harrison in the next room (though he humbly claims I didn't to let me save face). Totally worth it.

-We have a cat living with us right now. People who know me know I hate cats. I'm pretty sure I've claimed in the past even that cats are in some way responsible for every disease in the world, the Vietnam War, the existence of mosquitos, and the problem of evil itself. At one point I even had a business plan to make bumper stickers with anti-feline propaganda. But Harrison brought it home and I'm trying my hardest to make it work, even though I've already whispered obscenities at it and come close to straight up punting it. I dont trust it at all. We'll see how long it stays.

-I bought tickets for THAILAND, the happiest place on earth (I'm calling shenanigans, Disney World...Athletes should proclaim "I'M GOING TO KOH LANTA!" when they get asked what they're doing after winning the Super Bowl or the World Series). Though filled with disappointments, one awesome perk about being completely single is that this is what I'm calling "an uncapped year." I can have as many fruit shakes on the beach as I want. Married guys have wives who worry about their husbands experiencing too much freedom and/or spending "too much money" (theyre about $1.30 each...). But not me. No woman is holding me back this year.

That's about all I can think of for now. Hope it tides you over, Mom and the other 3 readers I have.

The Pofessor

So I threw a changeup with this one. You could say I was struck by inspiration after class on Monday. Walking out of our classroom I found this beauty of a sign on the door of an administrative wing of the building I was in.

Yes, it reads "Pofessor's Room." If this was in America, it would be on Fail Blog within seconds. But there is no such thing as Fail Blog in China. Probably because these "Fails" are lost on many people here. Also, China Fail Blog would crash the entire internet as we know it within seconds. So it's probably better for all surfers of the interwebs that this doesn't yet exist.

When I read this, I thought, "what is the hidden or double meaning here?" Could it just be a simple typo or misspelling? Probably, but that makes for a boring blog post and its more fun to think about someone purposefully writing it like this.

My first thought was they put it up there in protest. Po'fessors banded together and decided to show the world that they are under-appreciated and can barely provide for their families under their current cheapskate employers in the university system. As in the teachers union is "potesting" (HA!) the low salaries they receive for the long hours they work, often times doubling as Chinese students' surrogate mothers and fathers while off at college. One time I heard that my teacher couldn't answer a question after class because she had to immediately go and make sure that a student was keeping his room clean. True story. Think about that next time there's a teachers strike in the US.

The other theory goes that it was someone who thinks teachers are a little too uppity, always riding their high horses, shaming students if they do poorly on a speech or assigning however many pages of a textbook to memorize. Yes you read that correctly. Memorize. Often this is how many students study for a test and it results in incredible memories, but impractical problem solving opportunities and logical learning. So because of this, some guy at the sign factory decided to stick it to their least favorite teachers and made the signs to show foreign students (like yours truly) how poor their English is.

It could just also be a completely new position in the school offices. Another division of paper pushers who perhaps take the thousands of tiny passport photos I've given administrators over the years for visa purposes from one government official to the next in line. Maybe that's why it takes weeks, sometimes months for us to get our passports back.

Daily ridiculous products and slogans: Day 1

One of the major fascinations I've had since living in Asia is finding what I call "Trinket Shops." Maybe "trinket" is a misleading word. After all, this is what you expect to find aboard a pirate ship scattered on the floorboards around a trunk full of Spanish Doubloons.

What I mean by "trinket" is more of just little pieces of junk that are ordinary until you read what is written on them. Whether its a long non-sensical poem on the front of a notebook or some kind of novelty mug that isnt seen as a novelty item among our Asian friends here, these cultural trinkets are everywhere.

My first year here studying, during every class break, I'd go to the nearby convenience store and look for slogans that were found everywhere. One personal favorite was found on a basic composition notebook. It read:

"This is the most Comfortable notebook you have ever run into. You will feel like writing on it all the time."

And you know what? I DID! It really was the most comfortable notebook I had ever run into.

Things like this just make me laugh. You'd think it would wear off after a wh

ile, but it hasn't. I still go into random trinket stores in search of gems like this. So to commemorate this hobby of mine, I figured I'd post some on here along with my best guess as to what commentary can be gleaned from Chinese culture.

This weeks entry (pictured right) comes from a store I found at my old school when I visited last week to see some old friends who I met in 2007. As you can see, they are two coffee mugs side by side. They both have bowl hair cuts and crazy eyes. The lovestruck mug (as evidenced by the hearts in the eyes, blushing nose and the lack of dental care...love can make you do crazy things and neglect hygiene I guess...) mimics one vice that is not only ever-present in the US, but is also an idol here in Asia. In fact, Chinese college guys don't just ask if a girl wants to go on a date. They "profess their love to a girl" often times after only meeting her once or twice. It's like a bad Hugh Grant movie where Savage Garden plays softly in the background. Many Chinese guys can go into deep depression if a girl rejects his love plea.

Mug Number 2 evidences another cultural sin. It's understandable to see this one since it's near my Business and Finance University that I used to attend. This guy though loves money so much he can't help but scream it! As a bonus, the "O" in "MONEY" is a heart. This one is also every where on Chinese campuses. Many times this pursuit of the American Dream specifically drives students to study really hard and often join the Communist Party so that they can be set up with a good job though they are often unfulfilling paper pushing type jobs.

Be sure to check back tomorrow for the next one: The Wilderness Men mug.