Poetic thoughts from prison

Personally I don't really think poetry is all that cool. I read some in English courses in college, but normally just thought the writer was insane because none of his words made sense without a commentary from a slightly less insane critic. In high school, when we'd have to write poetry for some standardized unit, I'd find the shortest one or the shallowest one and choose that one to write a paper on.

They were normally written by some tortured soul who suffered from depression and were therefore seen as artists. I thought it was such a con. You can just throw a bunch of words with little syntax, grammar, or sense in them and people would think you were cool and brilliant artists, just because the readers really had no idea what was being said, but didn't want to appear ignorant or unsophisticated.

It wasn't until I found out that Tupac used to write poems that I got intrigued slightly. In fact it was really just the fact that they were normally about sensitive stuff like rainbows and flowers and lovey-dovey stuff that I felt compelled to read more about his life. All his raps were about gunnin' down rival gang members and actin' a fool. But his poems from earlier exposed such a different side of things. Essentially, he was D'Angelo Barksdale, drug slinger on the outside, but poetic softy literature critic inside his prison cell. I think that's a compelling story line. Even most brilliant people and our biggest heroes are insecure people with their own vices, Jekyl and Hyde-ing their way through life.

I just started reading The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German pastor who resisted Hitler in the 30's and 40's and was ultimately killed for his speaking/acting out against the Nazi regime. His thoughts have been so interesting to me as I imagine the implications of a Christian nation gone wrong and how I would react to cultural compromises that tempt me to grab power and release my grasp on the cross of Jesus.

He speaks and writes in the Introduction of his constantly paradoxical nature and wonders aloud "Who am I?" He wrote this excerpt as part of a larger poem from prison describing his internal dilemna of personal self-unawareness:

...

Who am I? This of the Other?

Am I one person to-day and to-morrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

and before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army

fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of

mine.

Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine!

...

Depressing, self-torment like this is hard to accept from a man who ultimately laid down his life for the freedom of his flock and Germans as a people. I cycle through these questions about every 7 hours one at a time. Self-doubt and humility seem to be intertwined throughout life as a Christian and at times, can be indecipherable, though they are clearly enemies of one another.

I guess the lesson to be taken away here is that we might not ever overcome our personal disorderly, fleeing army inside us, but I can still be used to bring liberty to the captive, to bring life to the barely-hanging-on, to defeat the powers of lingering sin and death in our lives because of the fact that I am God's.

But also it's important to note that God can use us in spite of our conflicting selves. We can remain "his workmanship, created for good works, which God prepared before hand that we might walk in them" and still be in-process, figuring out what we are, standing firm, yet all the while just wanting to give in to our fleeing armies.

In lieu of having a horrible week due to the loss at Dook*, I've decided to write a few quick hitters (with links) every couple days to both a) soothe the pain and take my mind off of how frustrating this year has been and b) remind myself that things are going to be ok soon.

Here's step one to bringing back some laughs and remembering why, it is always better to be on our side of the tracks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aeCIrGywIo

Additionally,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbTSz1OtcR4

That's all for now.

Preparing for a lifetime of ministry...

Many people have asked me questions in the last few days since returning from 5 weeks of New Staff Training Sunday.

"Where have you been?" "How was it?" "Did they make you drink strange juice or take a Red Pill?" and my personal favorite, "Wait, you were gone?"

But the most important question was "Why were you there?" At a surfa

ce level I normally say that I was there because I have been called to reach the world for Jesus and be a bridge for those who are hurting and suffering the effects of sin to find grace, forgiveness and life. At an even shallower surface level, I might say, "because it was in Daytona and it's January and I have a low tolerance for cold weather...I don't even like ice cream that is slightly too cold (I'm looking at you, Baskin Robbins!)."

The real reason I was down there was to "prepare for a lifetime of ministry." I dont think it hit me until now that I'm in this for the long haul. I know God has called me to reach cultures that are not my own. I know that he is currently equipping me mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually for that task, too. But I dont think it was until I was commissioned as a real "missionary" last Sunday that it sunk in.

I had to stand up and recite something that I can't recall now, but I know was meaningful and even made me stop joking around with the 7 others at my dinner table (and some other good friends at other tables via text message) for several minutes and contemplate what the Lord is doing to me and in me.

The keynote speaker was an elderly man who had been on staff with Campus Crusade since the Reformation. He had thin white hair and had been battling cancer for several years. He talked to Vonette Bright (Crusade's founder's wife and local celebrity, pictured above) as if they were platonically involved, in the way people in retirement homes are. But beyond that, and through him leaning too far away from the microphone, he inspired me that students in the world are so lost, need hope in Jesus, and that they are worth enduring hardship for.

He told stories of becoming the first Asian director in the 70's. Again, he was very white and old. He talked of hardships with cultural differences and yet, because of his faith in stepping into discomfort, Crusade is now being used mightily to reach the most open parts of the world spiritually.

I was reminded of the last movie I saw, The Book of Eli. Like Denzel, this man told stories from a deep faith and deep experiences with God. He knew his life was ending soon. Yet he also knew that his purpose was not in vain and neither was his work. He had lived a good life and was enjoying the nostalgia of God's faithfulness. He talked as to inspire us, though told stories as if we were his grandchildren, sitting on his lap, listening to tales of war.

And now, he was content for the Lord to take him any day.

"I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have have kept the faith."

I pray that one day I can stand in front of a group of ignorant, uber-texting, unsanctified kids and speak like that man did of Jesus' power in his faith. I hope that my lifetime will be as rich and I will have stories that will make people wonder if I'm making them up, or if I just have taken my meds in a while. I yearn for the lifetime of ministry highs and lows that I am only beginning now.

-D

Update from New Staff Training

For the last 3 weeks I've been at New Staff Training, both taking classes and seeking to find a clearer calling about where I should request to be placed for my ministry assignment for the next few years. I've also gotten a lot of time in being active on the beach (even though its really cold most days, surprisingly... one day was actually colder than it was in Vancouver) and connecting with other people here like me, who have been called to reach the world's college students and are about to be scattered throughout a largely unbelieving (sometimes, misunderstanding) world.

Our classes (Christian Theology and Bible Study Methods) have challenged me to live in a more Biblical way, not through a series of correlating rituals, but by recognizing what every passage in the Bible says about 1) man's fallen condition and inability to save himself and 2) God's role in redemption as a completion of man's fallen condition.

The classes have been great and, in many ways, are the biggest thing causing my faith to stretch at the moment. There are some lectures I think are lame, mainly ones about the end times and ones about calvinism/armenianism, but all in all, they've been a great source of encouragement to me. I feel like Bodie from The Wire, having grown up around "the game," knowing many of the basic concepts about it, but when you get taken under a kingpin's wing, like a Stringer Bell...well... you just take off. No longer a dope boy, not quite the big boss. More like a Lieutenant, somewhere in between.

Anyways, I've got about 2 weeks left here and am both really enjoying my time here with everyone and hopeful to get back to NC soon!

Thanks so much for your prayers and support!

-Daniel

The New Year in the Big Apple (sort of)

I was so glad to get back in the saddle recently after a couple months of being burdened (in my own mind at least) by raising support almost excusively with Bridges Int'l! I've also been working at a restaurant part time to have some extra income (I wont tell you which one, but it is closed on Sundays and has been a great job for flexible hours and the people are fun... Also their mascot is a cow.). However, getting to go to the Vision Conference in New York City was just a great treat for me to see 300+ international students come to hear the Gospel for the first time or to hear it again if they had already become Christians.

The only disappointing thing is that, much like the Giants and Jets, we resided under false pretenses in New Brunswick, NJ, so it felt more like we were hanging, not with Broadway Joe, P Diddy, and Jay-Z, but instead with Jon Bon Jovi and Snooki, The Situation and the cast of Jersey Shore. It was still great though.

I spent lots of time on the Chinese Track, helping with seminars, etc, especially as the Audio Visual guy. It was a hard, but good time for me, as I am very technologically challenged, but taught me a lot and really made me take the posture of a behind-the-scenes servant, something I'm not accustomed to or particularly fond of.

Anyways, there are lots of stories, but one I will share. It reminded me of why I love working with international students and the great opportunity we have to share the Gospel with the nations here in the US.

Right before New Years, we had a NYE party in New Jersey (No hassle of Times Square for us!). Of course, there was a talent show (a staple of any foreign student party), the Electric Slide, the limbo, and a Conga line.

Then the music changed.

It was some song I had never heard, with tones of the Arabic world. It was catchy, but none of us knew how to dance to it. Except for 2 guys.

One was from Iraq. He was a UNC visiting scholar and will have tons of influence in his home country someday.

The other, from Afghanistan, a nation undergoing radical political transformation.

They began to dance, twirling their hands in a way that only Middle Eastern guys can artfully do without looking effeminate. Everyone circled around as the excitement, intrigue and amazement mounted. They danced for several more minutes until another song came on. Then the thought came to me:

"Where else in the world would two future leaders of Iraq and Afghanistan be able to hear the Gospel repeatedly for an entire week? To have their questions on faith answered? To seek truth in a non-Muslim context?"

I couldn't think of another place on the whole earth.

And that is why this job is so fulfilling in the spiritual realms.

Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men

I havent blogged in a while so I'm just going to repaste some thoughts about Christmas from my community group's topic page on The City... Christmas laziness at its finest...

So this season has gotten me in the Christmas spirit more than most. After not really experiencing an American Christmas the last two years, I found that I really dont complain as much about the commercialism that I used to talk about all the time. In fact, I was that guy who was always quick to point out that Jesus’ birthday was probably in April, not December and that the only reason Christmas happens now is because early Christians wanted something to compete with the pagan traditions surrounding the Winter solstice. Even the tree and the lights are pagan.

But thankfully, I’m not the Debbie Downer I used to be. One thing that has struck me recently is the phrase above, “peace on earth, goodwill toward men.” It’s a very happy thing for the angels to say to the characters in the Nativity story. So happy in fact that while I was watching my usual Thursday night comedy tv show lineup, that was really the only positive thing people had to say about the Christmas holiday. For the most part it was very PC, relativistic, humanistic, etc. but these shows did like this peace on earth line.

What the first meaning would indicate would be that the angels are telling these Jewish peasants and foreign kings is that “Hey, there’s a King coming and he wants to make everyone on earth get along, so quit squabbling with each other, AIGHT?!” But the more I look at this passage, the less this makes sense. Jesus even at one time says “Do not think that I came to bring peace. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” Mat. 10:34.

Especially because the angels are the ones speaking here. They spend all their time singing around the throne of God when they arent being sent on missions by God to defeat demons or give revelation to mankind. You have to think that they are more concerned about the cosmic things than people being nice to each other ie. the enmity between God and man, not the wars between man and man.

Other contextual clues point to this as well, that “peace on earth” means peace between God and man. Christ was born for something greater than Reformation of our lives, like Tyler said yesterday. He came for more than self-improvement. (There is a great line from Fight Club about that, but its a little vulgar, so I wont use it). I love this though. He came to create a cosmic peace, defeat a cosmic separation, and give us cosmic victory over our sin. Anything less would lead to “the world’s lamest Lion’s Club” (paraphrasing Tyler). Anyways, if ya’ll have thoughts on Christmas that have struck you amidst the season of busyness and shopping, post away!

Boys Who Shave

The last few days have been pretty great for me from a "living the single life" standpoint. There have been obvious moments in life where I've thought to myself, "Man, you have it good. None of your married friends have the ability or freedom to go to a bar to watch the Panthers game or stay up late watching South Park reruns. Those poor suckers. They don't know what they're missing out on."

Seriously, though. It was great to be around other bachelors, at a bar, watching sports, not worrying about anyone else. Even though now all of my friends from high school (the believers that is) are engaged or married, the single life is still something I enjoy, despite the necessity of having divergent lives. In a way, it seems the way God intended it. Live life through your 20's. See the world. Activate your adrenal glands doing things that would make good stories later. Watch South Park Marathons until 3am.

I am probably insecure about being single about 50% of the time, but the other half of the time, it really does feel pretty freeing. A way that God lets us guys forget for a split second that we still have to wait for his marriage plan way longer than we want. There are just times you experience in bachelorhood in your mid-twenties that seem to make you feel like you're actually in those budweiser commercials with all the good-looking young professionals laughing at some off-camera tomfoolery, enjoying life and freedom while their friends are at home changing diapers, watching the Home and Garden Channel.

But then I heard a sermon (not even a sermon, just a sound bite, as I had it on in the background while watching tv) from Mark Driscoll.

"You are boys who can shave."

I know he has an audience there in Seattle that he was really preaching to. But it seemed very convicting to me while I was in the middle of snickering at the Coors Lite commercial on tv, realizing I hadn't actually shaved in a few days.

Outwardly guys can appear as men and act like boys was his point I guess.

He went on talking about "Delayed Adolescence." He said that back in Jesus' time there wasn't such thing as "adolescence" much less, the delayed type. It was something that we post-Renaissance humanists made up to make money for companies in need. Like retirement or engagement rings or the Moon landing.

Back then, girls (like Mary) would get married at 12 and so would the boys. It didn't matter that they couldn't shave or drink or stay up late eating Matzah with their friends. They were men at that age. They took on the responsibilities I avoid and that was that. They were "producers" not "consumers." They worked and provided for others. They didn't waste time playing video games or mooching off their buddies.

A lot of what Driscoll kept saying didn't so much apply to me I don't think, but that was something that thankfully got me thinking. "I can do all the things that define men, but am I acting like one?" I'm not particularly neat or organized. I can change my own oil and shave and play fantasy football for money legally, but am I capable of doing the responsible things that men can?

I started looking around my room in despair. Then I looked at the inside of my car. Even worse.

My freshman year at UNC one of my Bible study leaders started going on and on with an endless story from his life. He was talking about living selfishly in relation to David living in Ziklag while on the run from Saul. He wasn't really able to do anything, to move the plot of his life story along very far. But being prepared in our Ziklags, he said, was just as important as growth on the throne when we're the boss. It was a good reminder of how I should be focused on becoming a person with character and a strong core now so that I won't have to flesh out that sin later with someone else.

So all of these deep revelations led me to do the most obvious thing to me. Make my bed every day. Seriously, I'm not kidding. I'm gonna start doing it every day. Yes, I know that I've argued with my parents since I was 5 at the merits of doing something that will just get undone in a matter of hours, but I'm starting now. Here's a picture to prove it to you. Hopefully this thing catches on and it turns my life around.

-D